Just eat...

 Backed into a corner

Locked in a cage

There’s no room for light

No space to feel

A pressure on my chest

I begin to suffocate. 

I can’t pinpoint when anorexias hold

Became overbearing, overwhelming and filled with contradiction. 

I can’t pinpoint when my mind started to blur and race

Simply at the thought of nutrition. 

People must look at me and question my hazy mind

It’s so damn simple, isn’t it? Just eat and drink and anorexia will be left behind. 

I look at them with desperation and agony 

There are no words to fully explain

How I understand how damn simple it is

Yet the act of doing so is a far away dream. 

I’m stuck, lost and unhappy

I’m frozen, paralytic in fear 

I can’t think, even attempt to rationalise 

With the harrowing voices of anorexia. 

Just eat they say. Just drink. 

Like it’s the simplest thing in the world. 

I back further into a corner, unable to begin to explain

This is the farthest thing from a choice

The power anorexia holds is too strong and I cannot refrain

From cowering down

Obeying commands

Exhausted and defeated

It’s won the war again. 

NG feeds

 Skin crawling

Stomach clenching

Thoughts racing 

Heart pounding 

Ensure filling me up to the brim

Every inch of my body screams yes

My mind screams no even louder

I'm at war with what i know i need versus

What feels so terrifying 

Someone help me

This battle is exhausting 

Help me, leave me alone

Backed into a corner, 

No place to go

Nothing feels right anymore

I’m caught in the go and fro

The argument in my head is deafeningly loud

The voice of anorexia feels like a pressure in my throat 

A paralysis in my body to do the simplest thing

Rational and logic feel like far away dreams

All I can do is find small specks of hope, and cling. 

I don’t know when food became so terrifying

The idea of nutrition scaring me more than the reality of anorexia

I don’t know when the line was crossed past the point of return 

I don’t know how to stop the fire that anorexia burns. 

Determination

 Anorexia

You snuck your claws in when I was unaware

Posing as my friend, as an aid to help me

Pretending that you really care. 

The last two years have been hard, and that’s an understatement. 

And as much as I remained resilient through the darkness 

It seems I tired, and my awareness of your tricks faltered, in fighting you I became complacent. 

You danced unto my head with sunshine and rainbows

Offering me peace from anxiety, distractions from the world and ways to cope. 

I didn’t see you, for what you were. 

My strength was wavering, and all it took was one misjudgment and 

You latched on and held me captive

Faster than I dare consider. 

I found myself at the bottom of a dark hole

Before I even realised I had tripped. 

I fear that, despite me fighting you with everything I have

Your talons and mind games have taken hold too quick. 

My head has been reorganised 

My values feel skewed 

And most worryingly

You did this to me in full view. 

I’m at a point in the crossroads where I need to pause

Try to appreciate what you have done,

And try to figure a way of reclaiming what is not yours. 

My life is so full of things that I love

Hugo, university, my family and friends, future and career…

These are what I value and I know when enough is enough, I know which way I need to steer. 

I’d be lying to say I feel strong all the time, I question is anyone does. 

And the truth of it is I feel tired. 

But here’s when I take stock and appreciate why I feel that,

And most importantly, start to navigate a way out. 

I’ve fought you for many years, a battle I wouldn’t wish in anyone

And there have been highs and lows, successes and lapses

Moments of utter joy and freedom, and some collapses. 

But most importantly, I have learnt along the way, I’ve grown and matured, and started to become someone I’m proud of

Someone away from your idea of who I should be

A fiona with fire in her belly and kindness in her voice

A fiona who is strongn, insightful, who believes in change and stands back up everytime you belittle me and try to find fault. 

I’m fighting the battle right now, and I will defeat you

I will help fiona become strong again and 

Ensure you never have a chance to play your games

I have mum and dad by my sides and

My puppies I’m holding close. 

I have my sisters and my friends and

Many many people who remind me my true purpose. 

I have a team who are fighting for me and 

I have a stubborness to succeed. 

So anorexia, you may have snuck your claws in but 

I won’t stop fighting you til I’m freed. 

Anorexia... it's not a choice

 To the people that think anorexia is a choice

Oh I wish you were right. 

I wish I could simply dip in and out of this beast however I pleased 

I wish I could live life without a doubt. 

There is no choice to this pain, 

No ache for the suffering it induces. 

Little understanding of why it chose me, or why it won’t let go

And all you think is it’s my choice, my lies or excuses. 

The pain of anorexia is far from a choice. 

Do you know what it’s like to be unable to let yourself stop? 

To stop and rest, breath and feel okay?

To attempt to sit down for a measly hour

And be consumed by anxiety more exhausting than being active, and still feel the eating disorders dismay?

Do you know what it’s like to see people around you

Eating food without a second thought. 

The jealously erupting inside of me, crying

Why cannot I just simply eat like that

Why can I not block the voice, 

Why can’t I just EAT

Why can’t I just rest

Why why why can’t I just be well. 

I'm tired

 There’s a hundred thousand million things I want to say

I want to scream, shout and cry

But my voice is muffled, my thoughts blurred

We are left in a deafening silence, no matter how hard I try.

 

I want to say i'm exhausted, exhausted of this illness and this fight

I want to say i'm so deeply ashamed, disappointed, infuriated.

I want to express how much distress I feel with myself, for not being who I wanted myself to be

I want to cower in a corner and hide away from who I am, and my reality.

 

I still don’t understand why this illness chose me,

Why it nestled into my brain all those years ago.

I’m exasperated with the strength it holds

Sometimes I feel that no matter how much I try to break free, it'll always have me, it’s power and reign

It’ll never never let go. 

 

It breaks my heart, watching the world go by

The world that both terrifies but excites me.

The world I should in part of, living, free

The world that feels like a far away dream, a distant reality. 

I am at such incongruence with myself, so far away from fiona

And her future

Disconnected from her goals, dreams and hopes

Seemingly lost in a vortex of meaningless numbers, rituals and pain

Wondering why and how I’ve fallen so hard, 

In a worser place than I’d ever dare disclose. 

I never wanted this, any of it

I am so tired of being so stuck in this war

I’m tired of fighting, pleading and begging this illness to let me go

I just want it to be over. 

Update

 

You say that I’m quieter than normal

Less words, less emotion, less fiona

The irony is the stark opposite in my mind

It is raging and warring and causing Catatonia. 

You ask me if I’m okay and I smile and say I’m fine

But every inch of my body is screaming help me

I’m falling, quick this time. 

I don’t know when food became a chore again, 

When the flavour disappeared and was replaced with a bitter taste of stress 

When everytime I sit down to a meal my head implodes on itself

The feeling of such intense distress. 

I want to scream that I’m not fine and I’m not okay

I want to beg you to see 

I want to say help me because I’m being sucked in again

I want you to help me break free. 

Anorexia has its hands around my mouth

Gagging me, pushing me down, silencing me

The war between what fiona wants and anorexias power is only gaining in velocity. 

So you ask me if I’m okay, tell me to talk to you

And I look at you bemused and exhausted. 

How can I say all I need to while this evil creature batters me mercilessly

How do I find the words when this beast has taken all my energy

How do I say what the illness defies me from uttering

How do I break through its power

How do i find a way of living in this war

All I want is it to all be over.