How many years have we danced this dance
Have we been best friends and worst enemy’s
My closest aid but my biggest persecutor
The reason I am alive but the reason I want to die
You’ve worn me down to nothing and no one
I’ve lost myself if I ever was someone.
I feel so powerless against your demands
Yet you convince me I’m in control when I follow every command
But you’re twisting me to unrecognisable lengths
I’m not one for lying, deceit and secrecy
I’m not this person you’ve made me to be
And the worst part is,
You still lure me.
Convincing me, teasing me on
Whispering constantly that you’re the only one I can depend upon.
But look where you have me,
Lonely, isolated, scared
Unstable, exhausted, unsafe
All the things you promised to help ease
They’re all still there.
And I’m tired, so fucking tired of your lies
I’m tired of feeling powerless,
I’m tired of being trapped.
It’s time to take my life back,
And you won’t like that.
You’ll kick and scream and shout
And convince me that it’s wrong
That I’m in danger, out of control
And that all the anxiety and panic and difficult thoughts and feelings will be life long.
But I will be stronger and I will be louder
I will be brave and I will hold on.
You will not win eating disorder,
One way or another
One hour at a time
I will beat you.
I will be free from your talons
Your false set of lies
You will not control me
It’s time to cut ties.
Thankyou, for saving me.
But now it’s time I save myself.
I don’t need you anymore,
And I know you won’t let me be free easily
But I’ve survived hell
My heart is still beating and slowly I will learn
That I don’t need to punish myself anymore
And day by day, hour by hour, I will win this war.
15/11/17
