You’re a smart girl
They say
With pity and frustration in their voices
Though they darent mention the words themselves
They’re exhausted of me being sick, thinking these are my choices.
I’m a smart girl who loves logic and rational
So calm, contained and analytical
So this irrational illness… how can I even begin to explain?
How I end up doing things so strange, erratic and illogical.
Because I’m a puppet on strings to a tyrant inside my head
That teases me and taunts me
Confusing me and exhausting me, merely by pulling on thread.
Because it makes all the irrational things that it tells me
Feel so real and true
Have you ever been told to completely not trust yourself?
To be told to not trust what you think and do.
The voice isn’t just confusing though
It’s also loud and angry
It’s menacing and threatening and
I can’t help but cower away, and strive to keep peace which means doing only one thing
To obey.
Because to me, these things do make sense
The reasons behind every move that I make
Is narrated by this voice in my mind
That convinced me it’s the right thing to do,
And so I obey it commands in hoping I’ll find
Some peace, some calm, a resolution
Yet I’m left at the end of each and everyday
Feeling so exhausted, lost and confused
Further and further away from my true self
As this illness steals me of my soul.
And I wander, I think and consider
If I should concede
I don’t think I have the strength to go on.
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