Anorexia
You’re the thing that I hate
And the thing that I crave
You’re the comfort when life feels tricky
And the abusive, constantly in dismay.
You are kind but vindictive
You are supportive yet punitive
You are my best friend and my worst enemy
The one I must fight against, yet the one I pine after mercilessly.
I understand how people look at me
And question my hazy mind
How can she still want something that has never once been kind
How can she chase the thing that almost killed her
How can she still believe it’s lies, see the life without it yet still fall over?
Anorexia's biggest weapon is to convince you you cannot survive alone
That to keep it in your life is by far the best decision.
It convinces you that without it your are nothing
Vulnerable, weak, unsuccessful.
I’m in a war with the enemy who’s weapon is convincing me that the war isn’t happening
Is it any wonder my mind is fragmenting?
Is it any wonder I feel paralysed in the too and fro of the argument
Is is any wonder I’m still stuck in this battle, stagnant.
If you’d told me 8 years ago that I would still be battling today
I would’ve laughed in disbelief, pitied your lack of faith.
And here we are, still being played by its games
Utterly exhausted of the battle it induces
And seemingly unable to move away, still believing it’s excuses.
I say one day I’ll make it, like it’s a decision in my control
The fearful reality is dawning that the illness is taking its toll
When you start to think ‘quality of life’ over length…
I wonder, fear the truth. That it’s pushed me too far over the edge.
