I'm tired

 There’s a hundred thousand million things I want to say

I want to scream, shout and cry

But my voice is muffled, my thoughts blurred

We are left in a deafening silence, no matter how hard I try.

 

I want to say i'm exhausted, exhausted of this illness and this fight

I want to say i'm so deeply ashamed, disappointed, infuriated.

I want to express how much distress I feel with myself, for not being who I wanted myself to be

I want to cower in a corner and hide away from who I am, and my reality.

 

I still don’t understand why this illness chose me,

Why it nestled into my brain all those years ago.

I’m exasperated with the strength it holds

Sometimes I feel that no matter how much I try to break free, it'll always have me, it’s power and reign

It’ll never never let go. 

 

It breaks my heart, watching the world go by

The world that both terrifies but excites me.

The world I should in part of, living, free

The world that feels like a far away dream, a distant reality. 

I am at such incongruence with myself, so far away from fiona

And her future

Disconnected from her goals, dreams and hopes

Seemingly lost in a vortex of meaningless numbers, rituals and pain

Wondering why and how I’ve fallen so hard, 

In a worser place than I’d ever dare disclose. 

I never wanted this, any of it

I am so tired of being so stuck in this war

I’m tired of fighting, pleading and begging this illness to let me go

I just want it to be over.