Anorexia
You’re the thing that I hate
Despise to the core
Yet the thing I cannot let go of
Terrified of being alone
I can’t live with you because you are vile and scary and abusive
But I can’t be without you, I’m not enough with out your constant undertone.
I can’t live with you
But I can’t live without you
And people look on at me like I’m going mad
They pity me, they get angry with me, and there’s no way they can understand
That in this world I don’t have a choice
You’ve infused every thought I have
And to break away from your spell
From your obscene demands and cries
Causes so much distress, so much noise
And I fall, tired, confined.
You’ve constructed a cage around me, there’s no air to breathe, no space to feel
You watch and calculate my every move
You narrate my life with your snide comments and yet still you appeal
And I have no way of explaining
Why you still hold so much power
I only go quiet, withdraw, apologise for my failure.
You can never understand what another person is going through
And you won’t know what it’s like to battle an eating disorder until you are in one.
It’s a meld of complex thoughts, feelings and beliefs that you know rationally don’t make sense
But that doesn’t take away their power
Their control
Their manipulation and expense.
And sometimes you suddenly find yourself at the bottom of a deep pit,
Knowing the devil has played its cards and you’ve fallen yet again
And you feel utterly powerless, exhausted and stupid
And more than anything
Ashamed.
