I'm not doing so good

 How can I tell you 

I’ve fallen again

Into old habits that

Seem have no end

I try to say the right things

And appear to do the right actions

But inside I am screaming 

For I know the repercussions. 

I’m exhausted of this reality 

And yet it seems I’m trapped in to it, no matter how hard I try to wriggle free 

I want to say please see through the demise 

Please sit with me and hug me until the voices subside. 

Why is letting people in the hardest thing to do? 

When I promised myself this time would be different too… 

I fear I’m stuck in a cage that has no escape plan 

I fear this illness is taking me, I am kicking and struggling but in quick sand. 

I’m so exhausted of all the rules 

And what fits and makes sense 

I’m so exhausted of trying to ease my anxiety 

And watching my sparkle disappear again, along with any confidence. 

It starts off so little

A scrape here and there

And suddenly it snowballs into something so big

I cannot help but despair. 

Please don’t be angry with me

I was battling so hard 

It just seems the illness found more strength 

And I let down my guard. 

I want to say please help me

Because I want to get better 

But I’m so terrified of the repercussions 

For people knowing I have fallen over. 

I mean it when I say

I want to get better 

I mean it with my whole heart. 

I see a life free from this

I just don’t know the next steps to take

I don’t know anymore 

I need a break. 

Things aren't okay

 You ask me how I am

And I go quiet for a moment, a pause, a delay 

My response feels expected and boring

So I smile and say ‘I’ve just hit a rough patch but I’ll be okay!’ 

I force a smile and conjure up some positive quote 

I’m hope that the overwhelming emptiness in my heart I will cover up and coat. 

I know you think I should be better now

Why can’t she just get it right? 

Why is it constantly so hard 

Why is there still this big fight? 

I want to shout, scream in desperation

That I am as frustrated as you 

I want to beg for permission to say 

Please don’t give up on me, because I’m tired, but I understand if you do. 

I get up each day and try to keep going

But the undertow of this exhausting illness 

Is pushing me to the brink, to the edge of coping

I fear my ending is forgoing. 

I wish I could feel what I say

I wish I believed that I will be okay

I wish that the voice in my head would quieten

I wish that the mess of my mind would ease, I wish this illness would leave me alone. 

I wish more than you that 

When I smile and say I’ll be okay

I believed it too. 

Because I want to, I want to be free 

I want to get better and I want to find fi 

I fear this illness is too strong though

And I cannot see another reality. 

This is hard

 You’re a smart girl

They say

With pity and frustration in their voices 

Though they darent mention the words themselves 

They’re exhausted of me being sick, thinking these are my choices.  

I’m a smart girl who loves logic and rational 

So calm, contained and analytical 

So this irrational illness… how can I even begin to explain? 

How I end up doing things so strange, erratic and illogical. 

Because I’m a puppet on strings to a tyrant inside my head 

That teases me and taunts me

Confusing me and exhausting me, merely by pulling on thread. 

Because it makes all the irrational things that it tells me

Feel so real and true

Have you ever been told to completely not trust yourself? 

To be told to not trust what you think and do. 

The voice isn’t just confusing though

It’s also loud and angry 

It’s menacing and threatening and 

I can’t help but cower away, and strive to keep peace which means doing only one thing

To obey. 

Because to me, these things do make sense 

The reasons behind every move that I make

Is narrated by this voice in my mind

That convinced me it’s the right thing to do, 

And so I obey it commands in hoping I’ll find 

Some peace, some calm, a resolution

Yet I’m left at the end of each and everyday

Feeling so exhausted, lost and confused 

Further and further away from my true self

As this illness steals me of my soul. 

And I wander, I think and consider 

If I should concede 

I don’t think I have the strength to go on.