Progress - poem

Progress used to be terrifying

The idea that I was breaking free

From you, from something I was absolutely convinced

Was saving me

But I saw through your lies, 

Well I started to question your motivations

And only then did I realise 

That behind your hesitations 

Was a quarry of make believe 

Of scenarios that don’t make sense

Illogical, irrational

Unachievable to say the least 

All it wants is my life

And that I refuse to give. 

I feel guilt even writing this

Like exposing you is shameful

Maybe the guilt comes from believing you for so long

Making me this hateful

Of the people I love, the people who care

You twisted their words and made me despair 

As to why they would hurt me, punish me like this

Take you away from me, leaving me in the abyss. 

I fought them for so long

In secret and in person

Because I was lost, confused and scared

And everything felt too uncertain. 

But you created that fear, the anxiety and despair. 

You made me hopeless, you made me not care

About what I was doing, to others and me

And while I’m still scared... 

I want to be free. 

Breaking out of the cage 

You’ve constructed so tightly 

Woven any gaps, 

Filled any holes

Airtight, padlocked, no windows

For so long I’ve been blinded. 

And I guess I still am

I don’t know where to go

Or who to believe or how to show

What’s going on inside 

Without you ‘helping’ me

But I know that... you’re not. 

Just look at my reality. 

You told me if I went against you

If I didn’t follow your rules

That I would feel out of control

I’d want to end it all. 

Well today I tried something different 

I broke a ritual 

You screamed and hollered and shouted so loud

You told me I’d fall. 

But I am still alive

My heart is still beating

I am still safe

And though this may be fleeting

I feel a little stronger

Like I’ve proved to you

That you may have won some battles 

But the war... oh trust me,

I’ll beat you.  

I’m falling - poem

Bruised toes

Shaking hands

Purple lips 

This is just how it goes

Sleepless nights 

Aching joints

Blurred vision and fainting

My stomach cries

Legs wobble

My heart thumps

I’m at the mercy of your lies

One more run

One more pill

Skip another meal

Just for god measure 

Luring me to the idea

That it’ll be better 

Calmer, quieter, safer

And maybe I won’t live in fear 

If I just do what I’m told

Follow the commands

Push my body to the brink

So it’ll match my mind. 

Breaking, weary, exhausted 

Still going, still trying

But running on empty fumes

Any hope is dying. 

My true collapse - poem

The laugher wavers

The smile cracks

And you see for the first time

My true collapse 

See beyond the ‘in fine’ 

Understand that I’m not just ‘tired’ 

But that I’m utterly exhausted 

My strength has expired 

Along with any hope or bravery 

Or will to just survive

That got me through the actual trauma

Because now I’m barely alive. 

I’m left a self deprecating wreck 

And I surrender to the demons

The people that hurt me win

They broke me long ago 

I’ve been trying to fix the puzzle pieces 

What I failed to realise is 

There is such a strong undertow 

Of moments of hell frozen in time

That leave me lost back in the past

And I’m scared I’ll never be free 

Because it all feels so real

My stomach is wrenching with fear

My mind races, I can’t breathe 

I can’t hear, speak or move;

Why is all this happening to me? 

I concede - poem

If this is a war, I concede. 

I’m too tired to continue 

I try and beg for you to understand

Without trying to be an issue

But please hear me

I am so tired

I can’t take another day. 

I’m so lost in this world that’s too big

I try and hold on with anything, 

But I feel beaten from deep within. 

Any last strength has been worn

The hope has faded 

All I can consider

Is how to end this. 

Selfish I know

I hate myself too. 

I don’t want to be a problem

I’m tired of being an issue. 

I’m never enough 

I’m always failing

I try to please everyone

But the truth is I’m breaking. 

I can’t keep holding on for this safe life I’m promised

When all I’ve ever known is danger and pain

How can I trust anyone anymore

I’m trying to refrain;

From shutting down completely 

Withdrawing to my bubble

If no ones in, no one can hurt me

I’ll be free from it all. 

And I know that’s not real

It’ll all be there

Because that’s just how things go for me

And you question why I despair.