Things aren't okay

 You ask me how I am

And I go quiet for a moment, a pause, a delay 

My response feels expected and boring

So I smile and say ‘I’ve just hit a rough patch but I’ll be okay!’ 

I force a smile and conjure up some positive quote 

I’m hope that the overwhelming emptiness in my heart I will cover up and coat. 

I know you think I should be better now

Why can’t she just get it right? 

Why is it constantly so hard 

Why is there still this big fight? 

I want to shout, scream in desperation

That I am as frustrated as you 

I want to beg for permission to say 

Please don’t give up on me, because I’m tired, but I understand if you do. 

I get up each day and try to keep going

But the undertow of this exhausting illness 

Is pushing me to the brink, to the edge of coping

I fear my ending is forgoing. 

I wish I could feel what I say

I wish I believed that I will be okay

I wish that the voice in my head would quieten

I wish that the mess of my mind would ease, I wish this illness would leave me alone. 

I wish more than you that 

When I smile and say I’ll be okay

I believed it too. 

Because I want to, I want to be free 

I want to get better and I want to find fi 

I fear this illness is too strong though

And I cannot see another reality.