I'm not doing so good

 How can I tell you 

I’ve fallen again

Into old habits that

Seem have no end

I try to say the right things

And appear to do the right actions

But inside I am screaming 

For I know the repercussions. 

I’m exhausted of this reality 

And yet it seems I’m trapped in to it, no matter how hard I try to wriggle free 

I want to say please see through the demise 

Please sit with me and hug me until the voices subside. 

Why is letting people in the hardest thing to do? 

When I promised myself this time would be different too… 

I fear I’m stuck in a cage that has no escape plan 

I fear this illness is taking me, I am kicking and struggling but in quick sand. 

I’m so exhausted of all the rules 

And what fits and makes sense 

I’m so exhausted of trying to ease my anxiety 

And watching my sparkle disappear again, along with any confidence. 

It starts off so little

A scrape here and there

And suddenly it snowballs into something so big

I cannot help but despair. 

Please don’t be angry with me

I was battling so hard 

It just seems the illness found more strength 

And I let down my guard. 

I want to say please help me

Because I want to get better 

But I’m so terrified of the repercussions 

For people knowing I have fallen over. 

I mean it when I say

I want to get better 

I mean it with my whole heart. 

I see a life free from this

I just don’t know the next steps to take

I don’t know anymore 

I need a break.