I’m a control freak, out of control - poem

It’s unrelenting

It thrives off of consuming you 

And letting you consume nothing

Of hijacking your every thought 

Twisting and turning

Convincing and persuading

Luring and enticing   

Any hope is fading

My mind is full of questions. 

Who what where when? 

Maybe if I can find all the answers

This panic will end. 

But the more I question the hazier it becomes

The more my mind spins around and around

My thoughts are yours

And yours are mine

A cobweb of anarchy 

So unbelievably intertwined. 

Logic flew out the window

Along with rational

And any chance of strength

To break free from your spell  

You control my every movement

Everything I say and do

It’s not that I’m choosing to listen to you

But you helped me before

So I feel I owe you. 

But this is excruciating 

My legs ache from exhaustion

And you tell me that’s a sign to push harder

My vision wavers 

My world is becoming narrower

You’ve calculated every opportunity

To fight to stay in control

I had no idea the power you had

Until I tried to be free from it all. 

I value trust, honesty, consistency 

And you provide me with them all

But equally you are the sharp opposite

Because look at my fall. 

No one trusts me 

I don’t blame them

I’m a control freak out of control

So tired and ready to give in. 

6/11/17

You win. - poem

The claws tighten 

My vision is blurred

I’m loosing my grip on reality

Your demands were once absurd

But now they seem normal

Because not eating is fine

And running when my legs shake

When my body screams stop

And my heart aches 

You still press on

‘Just a little more’ 

I try to appease, I can’t remember what for. 

I look in the mirror

And at my body

It seems to be growing, 

Expanding by the second

Even though the number goes down

Your calls beckon. 

My eyes are tired 

My body aches 

And you applaud me

For lowering my intake. 

My mind narrows 

Nothing matters anymore 

Apart from shrinking down

The number falling

The clothes hanging looser

My minds shut down. 

Exhaustion overwhelms me 

I can’t do this again

So I resign. 

You win. 

I concede - poem.

If this is a war, I concede. 

I’m too tired to continue 

I try and beg for you to understand

Without trying to be an issue

But please hear me

I am so tired

I can’t take another day. 

I’m so lost in this world that’s too big

I try and hold on with anything, 

But I feel beaten from deep within. 

Any last strength has been worn

The hope has faded 

All I can consider

Is how to end this. 

Selfish I know

I hate myself too. 

I don’t want to be a problem

I’m tired of being an issue. 

I’m never enough 

I’m always failing

I try to please everyone

But the truth is I’m breaking. 

I can’t keep holding on for this safe life I’m promised

When all I’ve ever known is danger and pain

How can I trust anyone anymore

I’m trying to refrain;

From shutting down completely 

Withdrawing to my bubble

If no ones in, no one can hurt me

I’ll be free from it all. 

And I know that’s not real

It’ll all be there

Because that’s just how things go for me

And you question why I despair. 

3/11/17