The battle

 Pushed and pulled from both sides

With such force, such velocity 

And you look on at me 

with pitied eyes. 

She has so much potential 

She could do so much if she could see 

That the illness in her brain is warping her reality 

It’s not that I don’t understand, cos I do

I know where I see red, you see blue. 

I know that I cannot trust my own thoughts

And I know it’s not normal to panic with such intensity, to feel quite so lost. 

I know you see me and just want me to push harder 

Eat more, rest more, it can’t be much harder 

Than living in this purgatory

Stuck in this hell

This is where I lose my strength in trying to explain how I’m caught under this spell. 

I know it’s not rational, not reasonable, not right

But that doesn’t stop it keeping me up at night

It doesn’t stop the thoughts and the voices in my head

It doesn’t stop the panic, the fear and dread. 

One of the hardest parts of the illness

Is explaining why it is so hard

Because i know and understand these two sides of my mind

And Even I am at a loss as to the strength it still holds me under, spellbound. 

There’s a war in my mind and 

I’m trying to navigate a path

That feels it is heading in the right direction 

Without causing too much distress and alarm. 

I know you look at me with an ache and a wanting

I know your urge to scream at me is rife

I know that you are frustrated and disappointed 

Trust me, I can match that. I’m so tired of this life. 

Navigating a path out of this dark tunnel is going to be hard

There will be moments of joy and glimmers of hope 

And there will be hardship and agony and pain alongside 

The trick will be finding a way to keep going

Keep moving, keep fighting, knowing the suffering with subside 

And one day, hopefully fairly soon

We will look back on this time and say

It was a battle, that’s for sure

But we made it, and recovery is here to stay.

Backed into a corner

 Backed into a corner

no place to go

noting feels right anymore 

I'm caught in the to and the fro.

The argument in my head is deafeningly loud

the voice of anorexia feels like a pressure in my throat

a paralysis in my body to do the simplest thing

rational and logic feel like far away dreams

all I can do is find small specks of hope and cling. 

I don't know when food became so terrifying

the idea of nutrition scaring me more than the reality of anorexia

I don't know when the line was crossed past the point of no return 

I don't know how to stop the fire that anorexia burns. 

Sickness is so easy to hide

 Sickness is so easy to hide

With make up and layered clothing

And styling your hair down low

To hide the clumps that are falling

Pink lipstick to conceal

The purple tinge to your face

And a splash of bronzer to cover up 

Your skin looking so grey. 

Three pairs of leggings and

A smile to smooth the lines

No one will see behind

The masterpiece, the disguise. 

It’s easy to fool others

To put on a show

Keeping yourself busy, 

Too busy for anyone to know 

But each night I collapse into bed

Exhausted from the anxiety of the day 

Of what I did and didn’t do

Wondering how life fell into such disarray. 

I don’t want to pretend anymore 

But I don’t want people to see 

I am so tired of this existence 

I am so far from me, from fi.