‘Don’t listen to it’
‘Stop listening to your eating disorder’
‘Why are you doing this again?’
I know you mean well, it can be hard to understand why someone seemingly goes round and around this vicious cycle that only leaves them more unhappy, desperate and miserable than before. How they can see their life fall apart, be torn from them, and still not manage to turn it around. I hear you say these words of wisdom, to not listen to the voices, to trust the professionals, to be strong, be brave, go against it.
Let me try and explain what I struggle to understand myself. Anorexia, an eating disorder, it’s like being in an abusive relationship. You don’t see it at first, in fact you think it’s making you happy. It’s giving you everything you could’ve asked for, even things you didn’t think you needed. It makes you feel better. It just sits on your shoulder, whispering in your ear. It’s there, from the second you wake up til the second you fall asleep. And then it infiltrated your dreams, it comforts your life. It’s manipulative, but you can’t see it. Things start to not add up. The rules change, these rules that your eating disorder sets out, a list of conditions and expectations. It never started like this, you didn’t need to do anything to please it. But now, it says you’ll be even happier, feel better, more in control, if you do these things. You do, because it’s never lied before. It HAS helped. And it is, after all, all for you. This thing came into your life to help you. You listen, you obey. The list of rules extends, the restrictions tighter. The voice starts becoming harsh and critical if a foot is stepped out of line. There are punishments, there are threats. You try even harder to keep the peace, you and this thing that is slowly taking over your every thought, every belief and value. It doesn’t let you rest for two seconds. Not even to sleep. The punishments get harsher, more extreme. Your self confidence dwindles because you cannot get it right, every act is wrong in some way. Perfection is the aim but perfection doesn’t exist. It’s hands are around your throat, it doesn’t perch on your shoulder, it’s blanketed you from head to toe. Each day is like dragging around this black weighted screaming blanket. The vile words, the critique, the unrelenting abuse. In recovery from an eating disorder, you are told to not listen, you are told to go against what it says. From the outside looking in it looks simple, but from the inside, please understand that this voice, it has complete control, it has for so long and it does not want to let go. It knows all your deepest insecurities, it is with you twenty four hours a day. As you talk to someone else, it is talking to you. Sneering, sarcastic comments. Sometimes it just whispers, sometimes it screams so loudly you can’t understand how no one else can hear it. Sometimes, it’s kind, it is that perfection that it first presented itself as. In those moments, you have to fight the hardest ever to not be lured back. And whatever you do, it will go on to shout, scream, shriek in your ears.
An eating disorder is a hell that I could never fully explain. It has literally torn my life apart and I can promise you, no sufferer wants what they are going through. No one chooses it, and you can’t just ‘stop’. It takes the toughest battle of your life to slowly pull out the claws that the eating disorder has so deeply in, to go against the rules, the orders it hollers. Please be patient, we are trying our hardest.
