Homesick to a place, I cannot call Home - poem

Torn, lost and alone

I’m homesick to a place

I cannot call Home 

I don’t have a place anymore

I don’t know where I’m safe 

I’m trying to stay strong

But I’m hanging on by a thread. 

I’m scared of myself 

Because I don’t know who I am

I hate the unknowns

And yet, right now, I am the unknown

The vast quantity of questions 

That spin around my head 

That make my thoughts go hazy 

With all the words left unsaid. 

In a place I do not know

Surrounded by strangers 

I can’t help but feel in threat 

Because I don’t know the dangers. 

Who can i trust, talk to or confide in? 

Who will understand? 

Who will see me for who I am?

Who will pull me from the quicksand? 

Today, I begin the next chapter of my journey. After over two years as an inpatient at the Priory I’m Glasgow, I have made enough progress to move closer to home. It’s been the most difficult two years of my life, but all the pain, heartache, the meltdowns and frustration... it’s been worth it. I walked through those doors a shell of a person. I didn’t trust anyone, I didn’t talk to anyone, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get better, I merely wanted to trick everyone to get off my back. I didn’t think I could survive without my eating disorder. 

‘Emotional’ is the words my team describe my journey here. Two steps forward, one back, but I’ve made it. I had to face a lot of things I never wanted to face, I’ve sat through the rawest groups and 1:1 therapy sessions, I’ve opened my heart out to people and they responded. They gave me Home, believed in myself. They kept fighting for me when I could no longer fight for myself. I gave up on myself, multiple times, but they never gave up on me, even when it would’ve been far easier to. They said no, you deserve better than this. I slowly began to learn how to be kind to myself, to be compassionate, to understand. I was admitted an angry, lonely, tired shell. I am moving on a stronger, beaver, more insightful PERSON. The help I’ve received in Glasgow is the foundation for the rest of my life. Next step? An eating disorder unit closer to home. It’s terrifying, exciting, it’s going to be an adventure. But I’m ready 🌟

Imagine - poem

Imagine a life not focussed on food

Where each meal doesn’t dictate your day and you mood

Imagine a life that is free and real

Where you wake up each day excited to live

And don’t just dread the next meal

Imagine a time where exercise is fun 

It’s running around the park on a summers day 

Enjoying being in the sun

You’d run to feel the breeze 

And walk to admire the trees. 

Imagine a life without hospitals 

Without meal plans and appointments 

Without rules and restrictions 

And your eating disorder causing disarray 

With constant contradictions. 

Imagine numbers being just for math 

And the occasional soduku 

And the only scales you cared about 

We’re the ones weighing your suitcases 

As you jet off to explore more places 

Imagine christmases with hot cocoa

And Easter’s with eggs

 birthdays with cake 

And hot days with milkshakes. 

Don’t give up on this life

It’s closer than you think. 

And I know sometimes

You feel on the brink. 

But hold onto hope

Keep plodding along

I promise you it’s possible

You just have to stay strong. 

So take it Day by day

And be kind to yourself 

Keep fighting and don’t quit

Because this life, free from this illness

It’ll be worth it. 

This is not me - poem

It morphs you into something, someone

Completely unrecognisable,

Even to yourself. 

What are your thoughts

What are it’s? 

How can you trust anything

It all feels like tricks

Like the devil has dealt its cards 

And you have no choice

But to abide it’s every command

No matter how irrational it may sound

You must follow every command. 

You lose yourself

Your personality, your identity. 

Your values are warped 

It exposes your vulnerability. 

Arm in arm, hand in hand

It forces you to act 

No matter how much you withstand. 

It puts these rose tinted glasses

Tightly over your eyes 

It plucks at your heart strings 

To keep you on side. 

It pulls up your beliefs 

Your fears and vulnerabilities. 

It demonises you as a person

And takes no responsibility 

For the chaos it causes 

The unrelenting protocol 

How it sets you up

Just to watch you fall. 

The mask - poem

The mask

You ask me how I am

If I’m managing okay

I reply with the same

I’m fine, and quickly deflect away. 

But take the time

Look a little longer

See my smile waver 

And my eyes wander. 

See how I put on this show

For hours a day

To try and convince you, and myself

That really, I am okay. 

Look a little longer

Ask just once more

See that I’m not okay

My struggles run to my core 

See the way I wear long sleeves 

And cover up my stomach 

The way my legs are always hidden

And I flinch when you come close

See the way I seem to be injured 

And it’s just not getting better 

The way I close my door 

And hide in my room

Withering under the pressure.  

See the make up I put on my head

To cover up the bruises

The lines that trace around my neck 

The string of lies and excuses. 

The way I’ve retreated into myself

The way I am so overly okay

The way I exhaust myself to be fine

Every single day. 

Look a little closer, a little longer maybe 

Ask the question again

To avoid the reflex answer 

You seem to get daily. 

Because I’m not fine

I’m not okay

I’m not coping

And I can’t take another day. 

I can’t continue like this

I’m scared to die but moreso to live

My head has become anarchy again

And it continues to persist. 

I’m scared, panicked, I don’t know what to do

With all the mess flying around my head

I don’t know what is true. 

Do I trust myself, do I ignore the evidence

Do I ask for help and risk restrictions

Do I stay quiet and hope I do okay

Do I ask for help, and feel others dismay. 

You ask me how I am

And I say I’m fine

But every inch of my skin

And fibre of my body

Is screaming 

Help me. 

What do you see? - poem

What do you see when you look at me? 

Do you see the smile I force

The act I play

The show I try to display. 

Do you see the im fine, I promise

The im coping, dont worry 

Do you see my eyes cast downward

The way when you question me,

I deflect in such a hurry. 

Or do you see me

The broken, lost girl I am

Seemingly frozen in time

And unable to break free

From the cage constructed so tightly around me. 

Tell me, do you see my struggles

The way I beg myself to keep going

To maintain this picture that 

I’m in some way coping. 

Do you see the way I cover my ears 

And close my eyes 

In an attempt to convince myself

This is a horrible nightmare, it’s not real

That I’m begging myself to wake up

And it to be surreal. 

Do you see the way I talk myself down

Breathe in, breathe out

Because I’m at the point I’m having to remind myself 

How to merely survive. 

Do you see the little girl

That’s scared of her own shadow

Do you see how desperate she is 

For a life away from pain and hurt 

But doesn’t know who to turn to 

Who to trust or believe

Do you see the way she’s stopped smiling

And appearing in the photos

Do you see the way she hides in joggers and hoodies

And puts on these 24 hour shows

Of how she’s fine, okay, doesn’t want to talk

How she’s losing her sparkle 

And will to keep living

If you look through the mask

You’ll see she’s dying. 

Innocence - poem

There once was a little girl

With white blonde hair 

Who smiled, who laughed 

Who loved life without a care. 

She wore pretty polka dot dresses 

And sparkley shoes 

She loved to prance about on stage 

She had nothing to lose. 

She was the class clown

Always cracking jokes

She loved people, and talking, laughing and joking 

She was so carefree and happy 

She had nothing to fear 

And only when she stumbled over

Did she shed a tear. 

Suddenly it all changed 

She stopped being so carefree 

She began to question everything and everyone

She began to worry 

She stopped being so outgoing

She hid in her room

She swapped her pretty dresses

For baggy clothes 

And the bright eyes 

And glowing skin

Quickly dulled and her personality

Thinned. 

If you watch her closely 

You would’ve seen

Her retreat into herself

Hide away from everyone

The world wasn’t so fantastic anymore 

Imagine freedom - poem

Imagine a life not focussed on food

Where each meal doesn’t dictate your day and you mood

Imagine a life that is free and real

Where you wake up each day excited to live

And don’t just dread the next meal

Imagine a time where exercise is fun 

It’s running around the park on a summers day 

Enjoying being in the sun

You’d run to feel the breeze 

And walk to admire the trees. 

Imagine a life without hospitals 

Without meal plans and appointments 

Without rules and restrictions 

And your eating disorder causing disarray 

With constant contradictions. 

Imagine numbers being just for math 

And the occasional soduku 

And the only scales you cared about 

We’re the ones weighing your suitcases 

As you jet off to visit more places. 

Imagine christmases with hot cocoa

And Easter’s with eggs

And birthdays with cake 

And hot days with milkshakes. 

Don’t give up on this life

It’s closer than you think. 

And I know sometimes

You feel on the brink. 

But hold onto hope

Keep plodding along

I promise you it’s possible

You just have to stay strong. 

So take it Day by day

And be kind to yourself 

Keep fighting and don’t quit

Because this life, free from this illness

It’ll be worth it.