What do you see? - poem

What do you see when you look at me? 

Do you see the smile I force

The act I play

The show I try to display. 

Do you see the im fine, I promise

The im coping, dont worry 

Do you see my eyes cast downward

The way when you question me,

I deflect in such a hurry. 

Or do you see me

The broken, lost girl I am

Seemingly frozen in time

And unable to break free

From the cage constructed so tightly around me. 

Tell me, do you see my struggles

The way I beg myself to keep going

To maintain this picture that 

I’m in some way coping. 

Do you see the way I cover my ears 

And close my eyes 

In an attempt to convince myself

This is a horrible nightmare, it’s not real

That I’m begging myself to wake up

And it to be surreal. 

Do you see the way I talk myself down

Breathe in, breathe out

Because I’m at the point I’m having to remind myself 

How to merely survive. 

Do you see the little girl

That’s scared of her own shadow

Do you see how desperate she is 

For a life away from pain and hurt 

But doesn’t know who to turn to 

Who to trust or believe

Do you see the way she’s stopped smiling

And appearing in the photos

Do you see the way she hides in joggers and hoodies

And puts on these 24 hour shows

Of how she’s fine, okay, doesn’t want to talk

How she’s losing her sparkle 

And will to keep living

If you look through the mask

You’ll see she’s dying. 

I. Don’t. Fit. - poem

Who am I? 

What do I see? 

What do I like? 

What do I want to be? 

I don’t know

I just don’t know

I want to be free 

But this monster of ED 

Has stolen my identity 

My past feels like baggage

My future I fear 

My present feels hazy 

I just don’t want to be here. 

I feel so uncomfortable 

In this body,

In this life

Like I don’t fit right. 

I don’t know who I am 

Or what I’m supposed to be 

I am failing at fitting

The mould that was meant for me. 

I don’t understand everyday life

I feel disassociated from reality 

Like it’s just a concept 

A continuation of roles to play

Acts to show

All through the day. 

I tried to shrink my world

My body and my mind

I tried to make it all so small 

That morning would get inside 

I shrunk in my clothes 

The size of my thighs 

The width of my arms 

And in the process of doing so

I shrunk my priorities 

My ambitions in life 

Slowly bit by bit 

I made it all so tiny and seemingly manageable 

But I didn’t fit. 

Anniversaries- poem

Two years ago 

They came to my house 

I curled up in a ball

Hoping they couldn’t see me 

Trying to make myself small

I refused to speak

They’d already made up their mind

I can’t dodge them forever 

There’s no place to hide 

It’s time to come with us, they said 

And I hide away further and cried. 

No amount of pleading 

Or protest to another chance 

Swayed their minds this time

They’re being firm 

No wiggle room

For the first time in weeks 

My face crumbles

The tears start pouring 

I can’t hide, pretend, lie anymore 

No more final warning. 

Dragged from my home

To place worse than hell

Greeted with threats of death 

Terrified to my core 

Trying to hold on by a thread 

But I’ve given up, hopeless

All I want is to be dead. 

Perfectionism - poem

What if my best

Isn’t good enough. 

I try and try and try 

I push myself beyond breaking point

Trying to please, be enough 

Not let people down, pretend their comments don’t sting

Not be over sensitive, pretend I don’t care

But it’s too much to bare. 

And I feel a chronic wrench of guilt

Shame and embarrassment

For all the things I do and don’t do

But most difficultly

For my existence 

For the very fact I wake up each day

And breathe, live

I’m a burden, a problem 

A pain that persists. 

I wish I was invisible 

I wish I looked as small as I feel

I wish the ground would swallow me whole

I wish I could find a way to conceal

The flaws I carry daily

The self doubt, self hatred. 

I wish I could be someone, anyone else 

I wish my life wasn’t dictated 

By how much I resent myself 

The repulsion I feel when I look

In the mirror, at my reflection

By my faults and failings 

My unrelenting strive for perfection

That leaves me feeling inadequate 

Worthless 

Hopeless 

Nothing. 

Self-hating. 

Inpatient - poem

Days drag

But the months fly by

Trapped in four walls

I can’t help but question, why? 

Why is this fair

Why is this reality

Why can I not cope

Why can I not be free 

Distract yourself

Decorate your room

Try to make it feel safer 

Like you were at home 

But you can’t kid yourself on

That you’re in the place that is yours

When you are so far from home

So far from family and friends 

Comfort and familiarity 

And then your told your section extends

And you feel like you can’t breathe. 

I try to stay strong, I’m told I have a voice

But when they’re restraining me for NG feeds

And not letting me go out 

I know I don’t have a choice. 

Anorexia, an abusive partner - poem

You shout

I cower 

You mock

I lower my head

You call

I come

You put me through hell

Make me wish I was dead. 

You whisper 

Conspire and tease

Manipulate and deceive. 

You lure me into your traps 

You force me with your icy talons

You blind me, gag me, hold me down

Treading water isn’t possible

When you’ve tied bricks to my feet

I sink, I drown. 

You’ve caught me in a vortex of pain

Vicious cycles and constant pressure

I go at 100mph to try and keep up

I fear your displeasure 

Your explosive temper and vile words

Your critique and abuse 

I’m a puppet on strings 

A dog in an electric collar

You convince me that 

I am in control

When really, you call all the shots

You force me to say and do

Keep me awake with your plots. 

Trapped in a cage

You’ve woven so tightly

You force me to believe

That this is my worth, my reality. 

Your words are cutting

You know all my secrets

You pour salt into wounds

And laugh at my weakness. 

You’ve battered me down

To nothing and no one 

The scars on my skin 

Are the only visible  sign 

Of The years spent

At the mercy of your torture 

But no mark could ever show

The true extent 

Of the damage of your words

Your actions and power 

Your cohesive control

That contorted my life

And strangled my soul

The sun, fresh air, being alive - poem

I smiled today

And not half heartily

It reached my eyes 

And I felt happy. 

I laugh a little longer now

I feel it in my belly

A laugh I didn’t know existed 

Or maybe it had been so long  

Since I felt joy and peace

It shocked me a little 

But for once, I felt strong. 

I felt like me, and I don’t know who that is

But I think I’m ready to find out

To make up for what I’ve missed. 

For years and years I’ve been held hostage

By this curse of an illness

For the things it promised

But no high of starvation 

Or rush from exercise 

Or feeling of control 

Could help disguise 

The brutality of the beast 

The indignity of it all

The harrowing abuse it put me through

How it set me up to watch me fall. 

Well not anymore

I’m breaking free

Not another second of punishment

THIS is how it’s meant to be. 

I feel the sun on my skin

The warmth that runs through me

The fresh air on my face 

I take a deep breath

This is the light at the end of the tunnel

Beginning to glow stronger 

This is the ‘it’ll get better’ 

When I’m wishing the days were longer

And I have more time to live 

Because living doesn’t hurt 

And I’m not scared 

To lean on the support

Should you raise your ugly head 

I will not conform. 

Memories to cherish

Conversations that thrive 

For the first time in along time

I’m thankful I’m alive. 

Body dysmorphia - poem

It must be a nightmare

This CANT be real

I catch another glimpse of my reflection

There must be a mistake 

Please don’t say that’s me 

My hands begin to shake. 

I can’t look like that

Overflowing my clothes

Tree trunks of legs

Even swollen toes. 

That can’t be my stomach

That rolls when I bend

Or my face so puffy and rounded 

Too far gone to amend. 

Please say they’re not my arms

That bulge from my sleeves

And the hips that are covered in fat

Are not as disgusting as perceived. 

I pray that’s not accurate 

And I don’t look that disgusting 

But I know, it’s real, true, me

And I’d rather be nothing. 

If the walls could speak - poem

If these walls could speak 

They’d tell tales

Of the girl that cried herself to sleep 

And cried over her fails. 

The girl that stood in front of the mirror

And tore herself down

That dragged herself out of bed each day

Forced herself to not frown. 

To smile, be okay

To just GET A GRIP. 

They’d tell you how she’d hold it all together 

For hours til she’s slip. 

She’d grab the piece of glass

She’d hidden for days 

And dig it into her wrists 

In hope the throughts would slow their pace. 

She’d exercise for hours 

Til 3am and her eyes ached as much as her legs 

She’d drop into bed, dreading the day ahead. 

She’d walk into her room, trying to maintain the smile on her face

And as soon as she realised she was alone

And her thoughts would start to race 

She collapses in the corner

Silent tears, not to cause a fuss

Hitting her head with her fists 

Begging the voices to stop 

But the torture persists. 

You’d see the girl that laughs 

And tries to make sure everyone’s okay

Belittle herself

Tell herself she’s worthless 

Questioning how her life is in such disarray. 

You see the girl everyone said is strong

Crumble into nothingness

Repeating to herself 

That her mere existence is wrong. 

Goodbye and Thankyou - poem

goodbyes are something I really struggle with, but something I’m learning to cope with better. Recently, my psycholgist left who has been my rock through the last 18 months of this admission. This was my way of saying Thankyou to her, and helping me say goodbye to someone who has transformed my life.

Waist deep in quick sand

I was falling again

Terrified because I didn’t want to be trapped 

I didn’t want to be in pain 

I knew I had to fight through

Untangle myself from its clutches 

Give myself the chance to live

Learn to weather the storm

Be brave and be strong

Go against the ‘norm’. 

It all felt so black and hopeless

But through, there shone a light

A hand reaches out to help me

And there’s a chance to unite

Someone’s here to help me

I knew I was not alone

That’s all I really needed 

When everything felt so unknown. 

Scary at first,

I feared it was wrong

My mind kept rushing back 

To what it’s known all along. 

But one step forward 

Followed by two back

Is progress none the less

It was change from the cycles 

And even if there was more distress 

I learnt how to feel it

To sit with it more

With the support and encouragement

I knew I wasn’t alone in this war. 

The bad times came 

And sometimes they seemed overwhelming

But we regrouped, we kept working

Found knew ways of helping

Difficult times is an understatement

We worked through a lot

Faced the demons that were trapping me

And keeping me stuck 

The memories that scared me

The beliefs I couldn’t shift

The dangerous situations 

That seemed to persist. 

We shone light on the eating disorder

We exposed it for its true self

That maybe it once tried to help

And it kept me in a bubble, gave me control

Numbed the pain, helped me console

The fear that run through me

The self hatred I felt 

It hid my broken soul. 

But it didn’t, it caused more pain

It didn’t keep me safe

It didn’t help contain

The thoughts and feelings 

I’d fought to block out

And I finally felt safe enough

To start to doubt

The rational it provided

The evidence it gave

And with a lot of hard work

The wall it built started to cave. 

It took a leap of faith 

But it saved my life 

I knew I wasn’t alone this time

And week in week out 

I slowly began to realise 

I could talk, I could feel

It was okay to not be okay 

I allowed myself to heal. 

hope and dedication

And a lot of hard work

Meant the good days started out numbering the bad

And I could start to see

That the world I was so scared of 

Wasn’t all i feared it to be. 

Not everyone was bad

They didn’t want to hurt me

They just wanted to help

They wanted to help me be free 

The darkness that surrounded me

It began to lift

And although some days it hangs heavier again

I know I can persist. 

A silver lining to everything that’s happened

Is I know I am strong enough to keep going

But what I’ve learnt is that 

I don’t have to do it alone. 

It’s okay to be vunerable

It’s okay to ask for help

It’s okay to not be perfect 

To not feel okay

It doesn’t mean I’m broken 

Or hope has faded away

It means I’ve been brave 

And I’ll actually get the help I need

All The work we have done

All 18 months long

The crying, laughter, distress and success 

It’s been worth it all. 

Ive gained so much knowledge

Insight, wisdom and understanding 

But i couldn’t have done it alone

You’ve be truly outstanding. 

Thankyou for sticking by me, 

Through the highs and the lows

I’m confident I can keep fighting this 

No matter what life throws. 

Weight - poem

A number on the scales

It dictates my day 

It rules my mood

It controls my life. 

A little machine

I stand on twice a week

Decides my fate 

Fits my worth

Around my physique 

A number that should mean nothing 

Means more than life itself 

Right now, that number that shows

Has more power than a cheerleading fan club

And a support system so strong

That number is my whole life 

And every time I stand on those scales,

It’s wrong. 

I feel trapped in a body

That I detest to the point I feel sick

If that number goes up again

That’s it. 

I can’t take this anymore

If I am a number 

And that number is wrong

And I am as worthless as I believe 

I cannot live with myself 

I cannot unweave 

This anarchy in my head

The war that persists 

The decision that is made

That should that number rise

I am to die 

Scales - poem

Scales

A little machine

Covered in glass

Make me scream in pain

as I stand on them. 

I hover at first

Just a toe at a time

Convincing myself of the worst. 

The number flashes up

My world caved in 

The lump in my throat swells

I can’t breathe

I feel sick and disgusted 

Out of control and bad

My mind gets more destructive. 

I stand on those scales and 

My worth is quantified 

Again

Twice in 3 days

Who I am, what I deserve 

My failures and flaws

Magnified because of the number. 

If I can’t even control my body

Or my weight

What I eat and drink

How can I possibly be able to do anything? 

Incompetent, a waste of space, useless. 

I was to shrink down  

To completely disappear 

My body is now my enemy

It doesn’t match my mind

I’m becoming desperate once again 

And I  feel resigned 

To the idea of a life free from this 

A future without ED 

Trapped, locked in, hopeless.