I’m the girl - poem

I’m the girl

That lost her sparkle 

That lost the will to live

That fought everyone that tried to help her

Because she didn’t want to exist. 

I’m the girl that resigned her life

To the illnesses that would kill her

That hated herself so much

She’s wanted nothing more than to disappear. 

I’m the girl that wept into her pillow at night

And hid away in her room

Hoping to remain out of sight. 

That was in so much mental hell

That she turned it on herself. 

She punished herself 

Tore herself down

Was so harsh and violent 

Self deprecating, abusive 

But outwardly, was silent. 

I’m the girl that starved herself

And took blades to her skin

That tried to end her life

Because she couldn’t cope with the pain within. 

I’m the girl that hit rock bottom

Only for the earth to collapse beneath her 

That fell so far down the rabbit hole

She couldn’t even believe there was a way up. 

She couldn’t believe it would ever get better. 

I’m the girl that wanted to die

Because living hurt so much.  

I’m the girl that hid in the wardrobe

That shut her eyes so tight, covered her ears

Hoping that if she made herself as small as possible

She would eventually just disappear. 

I’m the girl that shut out the world

Pushed everyone away, was deceitful, that lied 

That wanted nothing more 

Than to die. 

But I’m also the girl that stands here today

Able to tell my story 

Of the times I felt so wrenchingly hopeless 

So pained and angry 

So lost and alone 

Sad and terrified 

But here today because

Despite it all, I survived. 

I’m the girl that fought the demons

She swore had won. 

I’m the girl that needed a little bit of help

To see the fire hadn’t gone out completely,

Just dimmed in the storm. 

But a lot of hard work and patience 

Meant the single lasting flame 

Stood strong in the gales

And with a lot of dedication 

The fire started to warm again

The light began to glow

And I began to see it was worth it

Even if it felt slow. 

I’m the girl that got back up

Everytime I fell over 

I’m the girl that kept reminding herself to hold on

Because this pain couldn’t last forever. 

I’m the girl that had to learn to stand again

On her own two feet, and brace herself for the next hit. 

I had to learn that, yes, the storm would come, but I cannot quit. 

I’m the girl that was once so lost

So quiet, scared and hidden 

That now laughs, and smiles

That now has a vision. 

I want the days to be longer 

And the nights oh so starry. 

I want the sun to shine, the leaves to rust

I want the snow to fall, to accumulate in drifts. 

I want to dream in wanderlust. 

I want to meet more people 

And explore more places 

I want to live in this world 

To live, not just survive 

After all these years of not even living

I’ve been revived. 

I’m the girl that was told I would never get better 

The girl that was signed off as chronic. 

I’m the girl that was turned away by help

For being too complex, too chaotic. 

I’m also the girl that never stopped fighting 

No matter what my illnesses told me

No matter how torn down I felt

Because I wanted to be free. 

And I kept going, no matter the cards I was dealt. 

I’m the girl, that is not supposed to be here. 

But I stand here today, strong, alive

And ready to take on the world 

Because despite all the odds,

I did survive.