This one was a biggy for me. Even up until a few months ago, I would’ve argued i don't need anything. Literally anything, the eating disorder led me to believe i was a superhuman and could survive off of no food or fluid intake for days and i could push myself to run that extra lap. Sleep? For the weak! I could go days, weeks without sleeping. There was far too much to do to waste my time asleep. The little things as well, that I’ve learnt are actually significant. Like other people, to love and be loved, stability and safety, purpose and even play. Maybe they are concepts that I’ve not lived by for so long that I hadn’t even considered them on the spectrum. Actually, they’re just such foreign ideas to me because of the eating disorder that I hadn’t experienced them for so long. It feels too vulnerable to confess that i need those things, because that means i need other people, a concept that is terrifying for me. If i need other people, i can get hurt because ill let them in. If i depend on them for something, there could let me down... they might not, but if i don’t give them that chance, there’s no way they can, I’m safe. Anorexia makes me believe i can do everything and anything, but only alone. It thrives off of isolation and secrecy and gets its digs from having me on tap for hours on end. An afternoon spent home alone? Perfect time to go on three runs, clan he house from top to bottom, cook (everyone else) a smack up dinner, file all the implant documents (the eating disorder loves to think its being organized) and of course, do this all on next to no intake. There was no time to think about fun, play ad enjoyment.
And as for stability and purpose? Anorexia creates a epiphany of the concept. Stability in predictability. I felt so out of control of my life, so unstable that i shrunk my world to a set of rules and regulations that made me feel in control. If I didn’t eat, the number on the scale would go down, guaranteed. It wasn’t a decision i made, it wasn’t some crazy idea i had to make myself feel better, this was an already extremely vulnerable child that was subconsciously desperate to meet hr own needs. If i put my worth, my purpose and life down to a eat of scales, I could control it, i could know what was going to happen. The inevitable spiral that followed was evident, the vicious cycle of malnourishment, rigid thinking and behaviour, obsessive rules that were unrelenting and unachievable. The ironic thing is that the health professionals Ive me throughout my illness have all commented one thing, how predictably unpredictable i am. But it felt safe. And that’s all i needed.
None of this was a choice, and having insight on my illness, how it took such a hold so quickly and kept me in its depths for so many years now is both helpful and harmful. It was all subconscious, no one would choose to have an eating disorder, trust me. To develop such an aggressive illness is a clear sign of deep complex emotional troubles. I spent too many years beating myself up for getting poorly, but i can now see how futile that is, and also how much it plays into all I’ve ever done.
The facts are, it happened for a reason, to somehow, in a desperate situation, meet my needs that weren’t being met. Now, I’m learning about all my needs. From eating enough to keep me alive and healthy, to ensuring i have a good belly laugh occasionally and letting myself play around with paint and stickers. Letting myself be around other people, talking and trusting, and also knowing where my needs end and someone else’s start, because i must learn to tend to mine before I can whole fully help someone else. It retraining my brain, my whole belief system and way of thinking. It’s feeling guilty for everything, from the food i eat, to the nights sleep i get to the time i spent chatting to someone, the time I cried to someone and needed their words of wisdom, the times I’ve not used my eating disorder and i realized i actually felt better than if i had lapsed. It’s a process, but its working.
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