Reality - trigger warning.

Reality right now

I’ve been under a lot of sections, ive had treatment against my will and been held in a safe place. I’m currently detained under a section 3 which is 6 months. Let me give ou an insight into my life right now;

Trapped, locked, I feel like I have no voice and even if I’m given the illusion I do, I don’t. In the end, the decisions are made for me. I’m not alllowed to have a day off, a wobble and miss out some of my menu plan. I’m not allowed to say i don’t want to gain anymore weight, no matter how hysterical I end up when I finally push myself to have a shower after a week of avoiding my body. I can plead with my team to reduce my menu plan, and nothing. I can beg for them to leave up for one day, but it’s a no go. I can pull out the tube, and another is put down. I can shout and kick and fight, and they just get more people in to hold me down. I feel disgusted with myself and the way I look, I don’t feel I can cope with the way I feel, but I can’t put my fingers down my throat and make it go away because my bathroom is locked, I can’t buy packets of diet pills and duretics and laxatives to expel this evil in my body because I’m not allowed out. If I run away, I get dragged back, but staff or the police. If I try and escape and end my life, I’m out on constant observations. I’m at a weight I cannot cope with and I feel out of control. I can only go out if there’s enough staff, my mood seems stable on the nurses discretion, if the weather is okay. My whole life is controlled and contorted around me. I feel out of my depth, like I’m drowning in mud. I lie in bed wandering why I’m still here, why I should go on. I drag myself out of bed not because I want to, because I have to. To please everyone. Because I don’t have a choice. No break. No bad day. No fall back to a little security of the eating disorder that I ache for so badly. I want a day off, a meal off, I want to remember what it’s like to feel okay again. 

This isn’t anything against my treatment, this is my eating disorder shouting harshly and threateningly. My eating disorder is threatened by the treatment I’m under because it doesn’t have an edge anymore. The only control it has, the only power is has is invisible now. It can’t praise me over a shrinking body or baggy clothes, it can’t control what I eat and don’t eat. So it just pummels me all day everyday with insults and anger, criticism and disgust that I should be doing something I can’t, I should be playing in its hands... but I’m not. I can’t. I would love for my recovery to be wholeheartedly my choice, because that would make it more admirable. But it’s not, especially days like today. It’s raw, it’s forced, it’s controlled by other people until I’m strong enough to have the control myself. My track record means I’ll probably not be given the control, with the trust, for a long time. The voice in my head is too powerful and I am not in control yet, true control. 

(Disclaimer, this is NOTHING against my treatment because his hospital has literally saved my life. It’s my eating disorder being very angry with my treatment and feeling threatened that it’s losing me)