What if

the sickness isn't the scary part

the healing is. 

Facing all the things that blurred into the background

whilst I ran myself into the ground and 

starved my mind to the point of dumb found.

What if people look at me differently 

what if they expect more and 

ask for more and 

what if I am not enough

What if they call my bluff?

Because I don't feel strong enough

I don't feel worthy

I don't feel important

or able

or competent.

I feel like an imposter

like I walk around this world in shoes that do not fit

I don't feel worthy

of taking up space

of having a voice

I don't feel I should have a place. 

There is a safty in sickness

because nothing really matters

It is easier to worry about your blood sugars

and declining weight

and clothes hanging looser and

foods becoming scarier

than to admit you don't feel enough.

Admit you are scared 

of falling

and failing

and people seeing through the mask.