What I can't say

 There’s so much I could say

There’s so many ways to say it 

Yet I’m frozen here in silence 

Bounded by the secrets 

I want to say I’m tired 

Of this war, this fight

I want to say I’m sick to death of

Not sleeping through the night. 

I want to say I’m scared, terrified of the future

I want to say how much I fear this illness 

May take over. 

I want to say I’m angry, furious with myself 

I’m so far from the person I want to be 

I’m lost, trapped, irrational 

A fragment of the girl I once was, just a shell. 

I want to say I hate the world for the pressure it induces

I want to say I’m not as strong as you think I am

I want to collapse in your arms 

Stop the trail of excuses. 

I want to say that Fi isn’t this 

Perfect person she tries to be

I don’t get it right

I’m not contained 

I don’t have the answers 

And I am afraid. 

I want to say let me sleep 

Let me rest, let me be

But it’s futile because I’m my biggest critic 

The pressure is only coming from me.