I'm angry

 I feel so angry right now

Because you’re playing me like a puppet

You say, I do 

There is no second word about it. 

I want to list all the things that I want to be doing 

Sitting, reading, resting

But that feels like a far away dream right now

All I can think about and process is your hating. 

Your vile words that torture me day in day out

Your controlling methods and cooesice nature 

Your demands and rituals that never stop, never ease or calm down. 

I am so sick of your shit and the things that you throw at me

I want to be at uni and walking my puppy in the mornings. 

I want to be having coffee with my friends and 

I want to be able to rest. 

I want to go on nights out and have fun

I want to sing in the shower and relax having a run. 

I want to be free from your control and your viciousness 

I want to be free but you won’t let me go 

And I’m sick of your words and your damn excuses 

I’m sick of being sick and I’m tired of feeling so useless. 

Please let me go

 How to find the right words for you

I don’t even know where to start 

You’ve exhausted me, yet again 

I cannot fathom how you are still in my life. 

I fought you for so long and I was doing okay

I had no idea of the games you were playing 

You made me feel I was winning, like I was strong

You made me think I was safe from you and your ugly talons. 

I am so tired of your games and you voice and your orders 

I am exhausted of the games you play, the box you’ve trapped me in, my whole life you have contorted 

You fill my head with meaningless numbers, arbitrary rules and compulsions 

And I am left feeling just stupid as I obey, utterly controlled 

And left feeling beyond exhausted. 

I want to turn to you and say enough is enough

This isn’t who I am meant to be 

I want to scream, cry, shout at the top of my lungs

To please let me go, let me be free. 

The trap you have name tangled in is not that simple 

It’s not a case of me simply deciding to go 

It is a cobweb of wishes and fears and realities 

That I just don’t feel strong enough to deal with. 

Sensory overload

 Why is everything

So deafeningly loud

Every voice raised

Every light blazed

Every smell permeating through 

Every inch of my body

I try to keep breathing

I close my eyes and beg for a quieter tomorrow

The noisiness isn’t just external

It rages with the internal mess

The voices and cackles of anorexia

And the autism, and worries and panics and need for understanding and constancy. When the internal world and external world collide

The panic, the white wash of troubled waters feels like 

A crushing pressure on my chest

In my throat

Buzzing in my head

So much more than unrest

So much more than anxiety 

The most intense distress. 

What I can't say

 There’s so much I could say

There’s so many ways to say it 

Yet I’m frozen here in silence 

Bounded by the secrets 

I want to say I’m tired 

Of this war, this fight

I want to say I’m sick to death of

Not sleeping through the night. 

I want to say I’m scared, terrified of the future

I want to say how much I fear this illness 

May take over. 

I want to say I’m angry, furious with myself 

I’m so far from the person I want to be 

I’m lost, trapped, irrational 

A fragment of the girl I once was, just a shell. 

I want to say I hate the world for the pressure it induces

I want to say I’m not as strong as you think I am

I want to collapse in your arms 

Stop the trail of excuses. 

I want to say that Fi isn’t this 

Perfect person she tries to be

I don’t get it right

I’m not contained 

I don’t have the answers 

And I am afraid. 

I want to say let me sleep 

Let me rest, let me be

But it’s futile because I’m my biggest critic 

The pressure is only coming from me. 

I'm taking my life back

 You made me feel like a puppet on strings

For months and months you played with me,

Pushed me around, wore me down

Nudging me closer to the edge

Watched me sink and drown. 

It scares me how close it’s gotten

My mental and physical health

You tried to kill me, yet again

And I was utterly captured under your spell. 

The idea of recovery felt aloof as you took every inch of energy I had 

I didn’t feel deserving or worthy or just 

And I was terrified of your abuse, I was terrified of hurting. 

I didn’t know what to believe or trust. 

Today I took a step against you and honestly

I am scared 

What if I’m not enough without you? 

What if it goes wrong, and I fail? 

What if I’m broken beyond repair? 

But what if it goes right and I learn to stand against your voice

What happens if we part ways

Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. 

To be free from you and your lies

To be free to live my life. 

So maybe this unease is a good sign

Maybe it’s a sign of change

Maybe this is time I tell you to fuck off

It’s my life, not yours. The end.