Dear anorexia, you’ve done it again - poem

6/1/19

Dear anorexia, you’ve done it again

You lied, you tricked me, you pretended to be my friend. 

You saw I was scared, vulnerable and lost

You watched my every move and planned to take me at any cost. 

It’s been 6 months since I made the move back home

It should’ve been filled with happy memories and so

Do you see what you’ve done, over again? 

Do you see the damage you reap, how you drive me insane. 

You started of with just a whisper, a nudge toward you and your ideas 

You were so quiet and calm, I believed you, 

It appears optimism is my weakness. 

You see I believed what you said, I believed I was in control, 

I thought I knew better this time

And that you could help console 

The fear I felt, how self conscious I was 

The chaos my head was in, 

With all the unfamiliarity and instability within. 

You weren’t anorexia, not then at least, 

You were the routine I craved and a familiar voice. 

And I can’t pinpoint when you changed, when you became so violent and abusive

I can’t tell you exactly when you started to call me stupid

And pathetic and worthless and a burden to all

And fat and disgusting and a failure to say the least 

And you got louder, deafening in my ears as you won the battle and the number decreased. 

And I should be happy because I’m doing what you say 

But don’t you see what actually happened? 

My will, my hope, my smile began to decay. 

You have filled my mind with meaningless numbers

And rituals and rules and do you see how it covers

Every thought and behaviour, all I say and do

Do you see how you’ve broken me

And so I sit here, trying to construe

Why, why me? What have I done? 

Haven’t I made it clear that

I want to live, and have fun. 

So anorexia, congratu-fucking-lations 

Because I’m your puppet again

Because I am unable to distinguish 

Where you begin and I end. 

You’ve reduced my self worth to the number on the scale

To my weight, my shape and my size 

And you see, anorexia, really it shouldn’t come as any surprise. 

Because you take, you take all you want

And who is left to pay? 

The poor little girl that you saw in dismay. 

You won this battle, that is for sure

But I promise you, you will not win the war. 

While you put up a battle inside of my head, 

I’m no longer clueless to you tactics and I see how you tread 

Quietly at times, then a thumping noise

But I will fight back, I will fight on

You will not beat me, no matter what,

I will go on.