Monday, December 3, 2018

DISCHARGE! - poem & writing

There was once a girl
Who was so scared, lost and confused 
A shell of a person, barely surviving 
Caught in a cycle so vicious, she was exhausted and bruised. 

Shipped and passed around from hospital to hospital 
She seemed unreachable, her life ending at just 19 seemed probable. 
Health deteriorating, She lay awake at night 
Counting her slowing heart beats 
Her aching body, cramping, shouting, crying 
Begging to hold on, warning her she was dying. 

She stumbled through each day getting weaker and weaker,
Not only physically but her mind too
She was falling, she was dying. 

She resigned her life to the illnesses that would kill her 
She hated herself so much 
She wanted nothing more than to disappear. 
She wept into her pillow at night 
And hid away in her room
She was in so much mental pain that she turned it in on herself 
She punished hererlf, tore herself down; 
Was so harsh and violent, self- depreciating, self abusive,
But outwardly was silent. 
She starved herself, And took blades to her skin
She tried to end her life
Because she couldn’t cope with the pain within. 

She hit rock bottom, only for the ground to collapse beneath her
She fell so far down the rabbit hole that she couldn’t believe there was a way up, she couldn’t believe it could ever get better. 

That girl is me, and I am proud to say
I am here today, able to tell my story,
Of the times I felt so whrenchingly hopeless, so pained, angry, lost and alone, sad and terrified 
But here today because,
Despite it all, I did survive. 

I’m the girl that fought the demons she swore had won
That needed a little bit of help to see the fire hadn’t gone out, maybe just dimmed in the storm. 
But a lot of hard work and patience 
Meant the single lasting flame stood strong in the gales
And with a lot of dedication, the fire started to warm again, the light started to glow
And I began to see it was worth it, even if it felt slow. 

I’m the girl that got back up 
Everytime I fell over. 
I’m the girl that kept reminding herself to hold on, 
Because this pain couldn’t last forever 
I had to learn how to stand again, on my own two feet 
And brace myself for the next hit. I had to learn that yes the storm will hit,
But I cannot quit. 

I’m the girl that was once so lost
So quiet, scared and hidden 
That now laughs, and smiles
That now has a vision. 
I want the days to be longer 
And the nights oh so starry. 
I want the sun to shine, the leaves to rust
I want the snow to fall, to accumulate in drifts. 
I want to dream in wanderlust. 
I want to meet more people 
And explore more places 
I want to live in this world 
To live, not just survive 
After all these years of not even living
I’ve been revived. 

I’m the girl that was told I would never get better 
The girl that was signed off as chronic. 
I’m the girl that was turned away by help
For being too complex, too chaotic. 
I’m also the girl that never stopped fighting 
No matter what my illnesses told me
No matter how torn down I felt
Because I wanted to be free. 
And I kept going, no matter the cards I was dealt. 

I’m the girl, that is not supposed to be here. 
But I stand here today, strong, alive
And ready to take on the world 
Because despite all the odds,

I did survive. 

Well, here we are. Twenty nine months later. Two years and 6 months later... 
The whole of this admission has been an absolute rollercoaster, but I am a completly different person to the shell of a girl that was dragged trough those doors all that time ago. Apart from the fact I’ve come away with a slight Scottish twang of an accent, 2 tattoos and 8 piercings... I am actually a person now. I’ve sat through the toughest therapy sessions, I’ve poured my heart out. I’ve felt vulnerable, I’ve had to let down my walls I had up so fixed against the world, and although it was a little forced at times, I learnt to give up my eating disorder. Go against it’s awful lies, orders and commands. 
I nearly lost my life to anorexia, multiple times. I was 19 when I was sectioned and I honestly wanted to die. It terrifies me that I was in such an awful place, and that I had resigned myself to my eating disorder.  I solely wanted to disappear. I fought everyone and anyone that tried to help me, it was the scariest and most confusing time of my life. Well, thank god I survived, thank god I got such incredible support and although it has taken ALONG time... I have finally made it to a point where I am able to be discharged from inpatient hospital treatment! 

I still have along way to go, and I’m aware this is where the hard work really begins. But I have fought for my life back, a real life now. For the first time in years, I feel free, because I AM! 

No comments:

Post a Comment