Progress - poem

Progress used to be terrifying

The idea that I was breaking free

From you, from something I was absolutely convinced

Was saving me

But I saw through your lies, 

Well I started to question your motivations

And only then did I realise 

That behind your hesitations 

Was a quarry of make believe 

Of scenarios that don’t make sense

Illogical, irrational

Unachievable to say the least 

All it wants is my life

And that I refuse to give. 

I feel guilt even writing this

Like exposing you is shameful

Maybe the guilt comes from believing you for so long

Making me this hateful

Of the people I love, the people who care

You twisted their words and made me despair 

As to why they would hurt me, punish me like this

Take you away from me, leaving me in the abyss. 

I fought them for so long

In secret and in person

Because I was lost, confused and scared

And everything felt too uncertain. 

But you created that fear, the anxiety and despair. 

You made me hopeless, you made me not care

About what I was doing, to others and me

And while I’m still scared... 

I want to be free. 

Breaking out of the cage 

You’ve constructed so tightly 

Woven any gaps, 

Filled any holes

Airtight, padlocked, no windows

For so long I’ve been blinded. 

And I guess I still am

I don’t know where to go

Or who to believe or how to show

What’s going on inside 

Without you ‘helping’ me

But I know that... you’re not. 

Just look at my reality. 

You told me if I went against you

If I didn’t follow your rules

That I would feel out of control

I’d want to end it all. 

Well today I tried something different 

I broke a ritual 

You screamed and hollered and shouted so loud

You told me I’d fall. 

But I am still alive

My heart is still beating

I am still safe

And though this may be fleeting

I feel a little stronger

Like I’ve proved to you

That you may have won some battles 

But the war... oh trust me,

I’ll beat you.