My true collapse - poem

The laugher wavers

The smile cracks

And you see for the first time

My true collapse 

See beyond the ‘in fine’ 

Understand that I’m not just ‘tired’ 

But that I’m utterly exhausted 

My strength has expired 

Along with any hope or bravery 

Or will to just survive

That got me through the actual trauma

Because now I’m barely alive. 

I’m left a self deprecating wreck 

And I surrender to the demons

The people that hurt me win

They broke me long ago 

I’ve been trying to fix the puzzle pieces 

What I failed to realise is 

There is such a strong undertow 

Of moments of hell frozen in time

That leave me lost back in the past

And I’m scared I’ll never be free 

Because it all feels so real

My stomach is wrenching with fear

My mind races, I can’t breathe 

I can’t hear, speak or move;

Why is all this happening to me?