Update

 

You say that I’m quieter than normal

Less words, less emotion, less fiona

The irony is the stark opposite in my mind

It is raging and warring and causing Catatonia. 

You ask me if I’m okay and I smile and say I’m fine

But every inch of my body is screaming help me

I’m falling, quick this time. 

I don’t know when food became a chore again, 

When the flavour disappeared and was replaced with a bitter taste of stress 

When everytime I sit down to a meal my head implodes on itself

The feeling of such intense distress. 

I want to scream that I’m not fine and I’m not okay

I want to beg you to see 

I want to say help me because I’m being sucked in again

I want you to help me break free. 

Anorexia has its hands around my mouth

Gagging me, pushing me down, silencing me

The war between what fiona wants and anorexias power is only gaining in velocity. 

So you ask me if I’m okay, tell me to talk to you

And I look at you bemused and exhausted. 

How can I say all I need to while this evil creature batters me mercilessly

How do I find the words when this beast has taken all my energy

How do I say what the illness defies me from uttering

How do I break through its power

How do i find a way of living in this war

All I want is it to all be over.