I'm tired

 There’s a hundred thousand million things I want to say

I want to scream, shout and cry

But my voice is muffled, my thoughts blurred

We are left in a deafening silence, no matter how hard I try.

 

I want to say i'm exhausted, exhausted of this illness and this fight

I want to say i'm so deeply ashamed, disappointed, infuriated.

I want to express how much distress I feel with myself, for not being who I wanted myself to be

I want to cower in a corner and hide away from who I am, and my reality.

 

I still don’t understand why this illness chose me,

Why it nestled into my brain all those years ago.

I’m exasperated with the strength it holds

Sometimes I feel that no matter how much I try to break free, it'll always have me, it’s power and reign

It’ll never never let go. 

 

It breaks my heart, watching the world go by

The world that both terrifies but excites me.

The world I should in part of, living, free

The world that feels like a far away dream, a distant reality. 

I am at such incongruence with myself, so far away from fiona

And her future

Disconnected from her goals, dreams and hopes

Seemingly lost in a vortex of meaningless numbers, rituals and pain

Wondering why and how I’ve fallen so hard, 

In a worser place than I’d ever dare disclose. 

I never wanted this, any of it

I am so tired of being so stuck in this war

I’m tired of fighting, pleading and begging this illness to let me go

I just want it to be over. 

Update

 

You say that I’m quieter than normal

Less words, less emotion, less fiona

The irony is the stark opposite in my mind

It is raging and warring and causing Catatonia. 

You ask me if I’m okay and I smile and say I’m fine

But every inch of my body is screaming help me

I’m falling, quick this time. 

I don’t know when food became a chore again, 

When the flavour disappeared and was replaced with a bitter taste of stress 

When everytime I sit down to a meal my head implodes on itself

The feeling of such intense distress. 

I want to scream that I’m not fine and I’m not okay

I want to beg you to see 

I want to say help me because I’m being sucked in again

I want you to help me break free. 

Anorexia has its hands around my mouth

Gagging me, pushing me down, silencing me

The war between what fiona wants and anorexias power is only gaining in velocity. 

So you ask me if I’m okay, tell me to talk to you

And I look at you bemused and exhausted. 

How can I say all I need to while this evil creature batters me mercilessly

How do I find the words when this beast has taken all my energy

How do I say what the illness defies me from uttering

How do I break through its power

How do i find a way of living in this war

All I want is it to all be over.