The blurred lines

I don’t know. 

I don’t know when the width of my thighs 

Became more important than the breadth of my smile

And the 10 extra calories swapped the shine in my eyes

With tear filled hatred and anger

When my glowing face changed to a tear stained surface

So grey, dry, and cold. 

I can’t tell you when I stopped giving a damn if I survived

I no longer ache to grow old. 

I cant pinpoint when my existence became robotic 

And my mind filled with more numbers than a mathematician. 

I don’t know when emotions became so painful and intense

When I started to find comfort and control in making the decisions

Of how to be calmer

How to feel safe

How to control

Any more obstacles I might face. 

I don’t know when this happened

But I fell before I tripped. 

Surrounded by the same 4 walls that have haunted me for over four years

When all I wanted to do was be at peace.