I’m falling - poem

You ask me how I’m feeling

What’s happening in my head 

How can I explain

That I’m holding on by a thread

That every minute feels like an hour

And yet the days are flying by

I spend each waking moment

Waiting for the day to pass by. 

You ask me if I’m okay, and I smile and say fine

And I feel a stab of frustration 

That I am still lying. 

I wish I could say help me

I’m getting sucked in again

The badness in me is overwhelming

And I can’t help but give in. 

The urges are too strong 

The emotions are so intense 

I don’t seem to be able to handle this life

Even the smallest of challenges seem immense. 

How can I explain that I feel like I’m back at square one 

That I’m having to merely remind myself to breathe again 

That all the things I fought so hard to overcome

Have slowly snuck their way back in. 

How do I admit I’ve fallen

That I’ve failed yet again

The cycle continues to rage on

And I feel resigned to give in. 

How can I explain the irrational logic

Of my mind, thoughts and behaviour 

How can I admit that despite all my hard work

Anorexia still feels safer. 

I didn’t mean for this to happen 

I tried to stay strong

But the truth is I’m falling

I haven’t been as okay a I’ve been pretending 

Maybe this was fate along. 

You ask me how I’m feeling - poem

You ask me how I’m feeling

What’s happening in my head 

How can I explain

That I’m holding on by a thread

That every minute feels like an hour

And yet the days are flying by

I spend each waking moment

Waiting for the day to pass by. 

You ask me if I’m okay, and I smile and say fine

And I feel a stab of frustration 

That I am still lying. 

I wish I could say help me

I’m getting sucked in again

The badness in me is overwhelming

And I can’t help but give in. 

The urges are too strong 

The emotions are so intense 

I don’t seem to be able to handle this life

Even the smallest of challenges seem immense. 

How can I explain that I feel like I’m back at square one 

That I’m having to merely remind myself to breathe again 

That all the things I fought so hard to overcome

Have slowly snuck their way back in. 

How do I admit I’ve fallen

That I’ve failed yet again

The cycle continues to rage on

And I feel resigned to give in. 

How can I explain the irrational logic

Of my mind, thoughts and behaviour 

How can I admit that despite all my hard work

Anorexia still feels safer. 

I didn’t mean for this to happen 

I tried to stay strong

But the truth is I’m falling

I haven’t been as okay a I’ve been pretending 

Maybe this was fate along. 

The blurred lines

I don’t know. 

I don’t know when the width of my thighs 

Became more important than the breadth of my smile

And the 10 extra calories swapped the shine in my eyes

With tear filled hatred and anger

When my glowing face changed to a tear stained surface

So grey, dry, and cold. 

I can’t tell you when I stopped giving a damn if I survived

I no longer ache to grow old. 

I cant pinpoint when my existence became robotic 

And my mind filled with more numbers than a mathematician. 

I don’t know when emotions became so painful and intense

When I started to find comfort and control in making the decisions

Of how to be calmer

How to feel safe

How to control

Any more obstacles I might face. 

I don’t know when this happened

But I fell before I tripped. 

Surrounded by the same 4 walls that have haunted me for over four years

When all I wanted to do was be at peace. 

We luv win an eternal paradox - poem

We live in an eternal paradox. 

Where genuine happiness is often only felt due to going through a great deal of pain 

And you feel greatful for spontaneous adventures only once you’ve been driven crazy with the mundane. 

Where safety can only be so treasured  after feeling so scared 

And do you want to be your own person, an individual, after being so harshly compared. 

When you meet the most beautiful souls in the most difficult situations

When and find laughter only through tears. 

And be able to see how brave you are once you’ve faced your biggest fears. 

When you experience the comfort of home and familiarity 

Only after a great deal of time spent away and instability. 

When you touch fingertips with death, where you fight back to revive

In order to never go a day where you’re not thankful you’re alive. 

Where the things that could cause us to die 

Are the things that make us feel alive 

And only when you’re living being treated in special circumstances, do you wish to be merely seen as just a human.