How do I explain what I don’t understand?
How can I help you see what I believe to be reality?
How can I make you understand that I don’t feel I have a choice
When it orders, I obey, I react on command.
How can I show you what I see
And explain how o feel
How this world feels so big and scary
And I feel so small.
How can I say that I am lost, scared, vulnerable and confused
That the war in my head is so vicious and I’m in the cross fire feeling bruised.
How can I show you that I am trying, my god am I trying.
But it’s not enough.
Because I’m falling.
How can I say I’m sorry that I haven’t worked it out yet
That there’s no clear question so I can even begin to fathom an answer.
How can I say I’m sorry for struggling
And that I’m as frustrated as you.
How can I admit that my mind isn’t as healed
As people wish it was.
That the wounds still run deep and are aching
And I’m limping around at a loss.
How can I show you how much I am trying, with the full knowledge that it’s not good enough.
How can I appease you and the voice in my mind?
How do I find some calm, some quiet
By only causing minimal harm.
How do I explain that I am tired, so fucking tired of this fight.
That I feel so much anger at myself and the world
That I’m still desperately searching for the light
How can I excuse my slip ups
If I’m ever going to get this right?
How do I make it okay again
How do I remain polite?
When my whole mind and body is feeling so intensely
All these things that make no sense
That ignite such a vicious war in my mind
That I block and numb and suppress all through the day
But the demons are hiding in the dark,they come out to haunt me at night.
How do I say I mean what I preach
And that I want to get better
It’s just not as simple as
Just choosing to get there.
It’s very urge that runs through you
It’s your survival instincts kicking in
It’s confusing and exhausting
And I know it’s the easy option to just give in.
But please understand
What I struggle to explain
I am trying my hardest
But I fear I do have the strength
To pull myself back out of it again.
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