The mask - poem

The mask

You ask me how I am

If I’m managing okay

I reply with the same

I’m fine, and quickly deflect away. 

But take the time

Look a little longer

See my smile waver 

And my eyes wander. 

See how I put on this show

For hours a day

To try and convince you, and myself

That really, I am okay. 

Look a little longer

Ask just once more

See that I’m not okay

My struggles run to my core 

See the way I wear long sleeves 

And cover up my stomach 

The way my legs are always hidden

And I flinch when you come close

See the way I seem to be injured 

And it’s just not getting better 

The way I close my door 

And hide in my room

Withering under the pressure.  

See the make up I put on my head

To cover up the bruises

The lines that trace around my neck 

The string of lies and excuses. 

The way I’ve retreated into myself

The way I am so overly okay

The way I exhaust myself to be fine

Every single day. 

Look a little closer, a little longer maybe 

Ask the question again

To avoid the reflex answer 

You seem to get daily. 

Because I’m not fine

I’m not okay

I’m not coping

And I can’t take another day. 

I can’t continue like this

I’m scared to die but moreso to live

My head has become anarchy again

And it continues to persist. 

I’m scared, panicked, I don’t know what to do

With all the mess flying around my head

I don’t know what is true. 

Do I trust myself, do I ignore the evidence

Do I ask for help and risk restrictions

Do I stay quiet and hope I do okay

Do I ask for help, and feel others dismay. 

You ask me how I am

And I say I’m fine

But every inch of my skin

And fibre of my body

Is screaming 

Help me.