Help me, leave me alone

Backed into a corner, 

No place to go

Nothing feels right anymore

I’m caught in the go and fro

The argument in my head is deafeningly loud

The voice of anorexia feels like a pressure in my throat 

A paralysis in my body to do the simplest thing

Rational and logic feel like far away dreams

All I can do is find small specks of hope, and cling. 

I don’t know when food became so terrifying

The idea of nutrition scaring me more than the reality of anorexia

I don’t know when the line was crossed past the point of return 

I don’t know how to stop the fire that anorexia burns. 

Determination

 Anorexia

You snuck your claws in when I was unaware

Posing as my friend, as an aid to help me

Pretending that you really care. 

The last two years have been hard, and that’s an understatement. 

And as much as I remained resilient through the darkness 

It seems I tired, and my awareness of your tricks faltered, in fighting you I became complacent. 

You danced unto my head with sunshine and rainbows

Offering me peace from anxiety, distractions from the world and ways to cope. 

I didn’t see you, for what you were. 

My strength was wavering, and all it took was one misjudgment and 

You latched on and held me captive

Faster than I dare consider. 

I found myself at the bottom of a dark hole

Before I even realised I had tripped. 

I fear that, despite me fighting you with everything I have

Your talons and mind games have taken hold too quick. 

My head has been reorganised 

My values feel skewed 

And most worryingly

You did this to me in full view. 

I’m at a point in the crossroads where I need to pause

Try to appreciate what you have done,

And try to figure a way of reclaiming what is not yours. 

My life is so full of things that I love

Hugo, university, my family and friends, future and career…

These are what I value and I know when enough is enough, I know which way I need to steer. 

I’d be lying to say I feel strong all the time, I question is anyone does. 

And the truth of it is I feel tired. 

But here’s when I take stock and appreciate why I feel that,

And most importantly, start to navigate a way out. 

I’ve fought you for many years, a battle I wouldn’t wish in anyone

And there have been highs and lows, successes and lapses

Moments of utter joy and freedom, and some collapses. 

But most importantly, I have learnt along the way, I’ve grown and matured, and started to become someone I’m proud of

Someone away from your idea of who I should be

A fiona with fire in her belly and kindness in her voice

A fiona who is strongn, insightful, who believes in change and stands back up everytime you belittle me and try to find fault. 

I’m fighting the battle right now, and I will defeat you

I will help fiona become strong again and 

Ensure you never have a chance to play your games

I have mum and dad by my sides and

My puppies I’m holding close. 

I have my sisters and my friends and

Many many people who remind me my true purpose. 

I have a team who are fighting for me and 

I have a stubborness to succeed. 

So anorexia, you may have snuck your claws in but 

I won’t stop fighting you til I’m freed. 

Anorexia... it's not a choice

 To the people that think anorexia is a choice

Oh I wish you were right. 

I wish I could simply dip in and out of this beast however I pleased 

I wish I could live life without a doubt. 

There is no choice to this pain, 

No ache for the suffering it induces. 

Little understanding of why it chose me, or why it won’t let go

And all you think is it’s my choice, my lies or excuses. 

The pain of anorexia is far from a choice. 

Do you know what it’s like to be unable to let yourself stop? 

To stop and rest, breath and feel okay?

To attempt to sit down for a measly hour

And be consumed by anxiety more exhausting than being active, and still feel the eating disorders dismay?

Do you know what it’s like to see people around you

Eating food without a second thought. 

The jealously erupting inside of me, crying

Why cannot I just simply eat like that

Why can I not block the voice, 

Why can’t I just EAT

Why can’t I just rest

Why why why can’t I just be well.