Relapse in recovery - poem

Slowly slowly I fell

Back into the depths of hell

One meal missed, one walk extended 

One more pill, another rule amended. 

The unrelenting shouting

Of the voice inside my head

Do this do that

A slave til I’m dead. 

Forever moving goals posts 

I chase and chase and chase 

In hope to ease the shouting 

For the thoughts to slow their pace. 

But they never do

It’s never enough 

And before I know it 

I am engulfed 

Back to square one

With added guilt of failure 

I beat myself up 

Why is it never enough?  

I dream of the day I am free from this 

I pray the day will come 

Where food isn’t the enemy,

And life includes the word fun. 

I hold onto the dream, 

Right now I have to trust others 

Because the voice in my head

Is nothing but a liar. 

But it’s hard when you see blue 

When everyone shouts ‘it’s red!’ 

To believe them over what feels so factual

To go against your head. 

I’m at a point I have no choice

Literally and in my head. 

Nothing makes sense anymore 

And Fiona doesn’t want to be dead. 

I feel like a failure, a lost cause, hopeless. 

I’ve let down so many people, 

And Any argument my head made,

 now feels feeble. 

What I am trying to remember is

Fiona did not choose this 

Fiona doesn’t want to be poorly 

And Fiona wants to live. 

A few steps back maybe

But we can call it a learning curve 

Because Recovery is not linear

And Life is not perfect 

It hurts and it pains and it beats me down. 

Sometimes I’m scared it’s hit too hard

It’d be easier to shut down. 

But I am still alive 

And I know I will beat this. 

A few steps back maybe, 

But nows the time to reminisce. 

Alot has been dealt with. 

And I’m not where I want to be

But I’m miles away from where I have been.

And actually; 

I’ll hold onto the knowledge 

That despite 10 steps backward

I’ve also come 1000 forward 

And I will not be deterred 

The flame hasn’t gone out

Maybe just dimmed in the storm

But that proves... 

I have the fight, the strength and courage. 

Just sometimes, it wavers a little 

And I need a bit more help. 

Recovery isn’t perfect, 

Neither am I. 

I won’t pretend to be, 

But I promise you, I will survive. 

Hello!

Hey! I’m Fi, and I’m just your average slightly sideways bean trying to muddle her way through life, with the added interesting elements of her brain going a bit cookydo. 

I’m battling mental illness, as i have been for many years now, currently in a long inpatient stay but I’m getting there. I’m learning and becoming stronger everyday, so here’s a place for me to ramble on as i do most of the time about the bizarre things that go on in my head! Ive got a bit of a complex history, and a not so straight forward present, but hey, life would be boring if it was simple and easy! Enjoy!