I'm not doing so good

 How can I tell you 

I’ve fallen again

Into old habits that

Seem have no end

I try to say the right things

And appear to do the right actions

But inside I am screaming 

For I know the repercussions. 

I’m exhausted of this reality 

And yet it seems I’m trapped in to it, no matter how hard I try to wriggle free 

I want to say please see through the demise 

Please sit with me and hug me until the voices subside. 

Why is letting people in the hardest thing to do? 

When I promised myself this time would be different too… 

I fear I’m stuck in a cage that has no escape plan 

I fear this illness is taking me, I am kicking and struggling but in quick sand. 

I’m so exhausted of all the rules 

And what fits and makes sense 

I’m so exhausted of trying to ease my anxiety 

And watching my sparkle disappear again, along with any confidence. 

It starts off so little

A scrape here and there

And suddenly it snowballs into something so big

I cannot help but despair. 

Please don’t be angry with me

I was battling so hard 

It just seems the illness found more strength 

And I let down my guard. 

I want to say please help me

Because I want to get better 

But I’m so terrified of the repercussions 

For people knowing I have fallen over. 

I mean it when I say

I want to get better 

I mean it with my whole heart. 

I see a life free from this

I just don’t know the next steps to take

I don’t know anymore 

I need a break. 

Things aren't okay

 You ask me how I am

And I go quiet for a moment, a pause, a delay 

My response feels expected and boring

So I smile and say ‘I’ve just hit a rough patch but I’ll be okay!’ 

I force a smile and conjure up some positive quote 

I’m hope that the overwhelming emptiness in my heart I will cover up and coat. 

I know you think I should be better now

Why can’t she just get it right? 

Why is it constantly so hard 

Why is there still this big fight? 

I want to shout, scream in desperation

That I am as frustrated as you 

I want to beg for permission to say 

Please don’t give up on me, because I’m tired, but I understand if you do. 

I get up each day and try to keep going

But the undertow of this exhausting illness 

Is pushing me to the brink, to the edge of coping

I fear my ending is forgoing. 

I wish I could feel what I say

I wish I believed that I will be okay

I wish that the voice in my head would quieten

I wish that the mess of my mind would ease, I wish this illness would leave me alone. 

I wish more than you that 

When I smile and say I’ll be okay

I believed it too. 

Because I want to, I want to be free 

I want to get better and I want to find fi 

I fear this illness is too strong though

And I cannot see another reality. 

This is hard

 You’re a smart girl

They say

With pity and frustration in their voices 

Though they darent mention the words themselves 

They’re exhausted of me being sick, thinking these are my choices.  

I’m a smart girl who loves logic and rational 

So calm, contained and analytical 

So this irrational illness… how can I even begin to explain? 

How I end up doing things so strange, erratic and illogical. 

Because I’m a puppet on strings to a tyrant inside my head 

That teases me and taunts me

Confusing me and exhausting me, merely by pulling on thread. 

Because it makes all the irrational things that it tells me

Feel so real and true

Have you ever been told to completely not trust yourself? 

To be told to not trust what you think and do. 

The voice isn’t just confusing though

It’s also loud and angry 

It’s menacing and threatening and 

I can’t help but cower away, and strive to keep peace which means doing only one thing

To obey. 

Because to me, these things do make sense 

The reasons behind every move that I make

Is narrated by this voice in my mind

That convinced me it’s the right thing to do, 

And so I obey it commands in hoping I’ll find 

Some peace, some calm, a resolution

Yet I’m left at the end of each and everyday

Feeling so exhausted, lost and confused 

Further and further away from my true self

As this illness steals me of my soul. 

And I wander, I think and consider 

If I should concede 

I don’t think I have the strength to go on. 

The battle

 Pushed and pulled from both sides

With such force, such velocity 

And you look on at me 

with pitied eyes. 

She has so much potential 

She could do so much if she could see 

That the illness in her brain is warping her reality 

It’s not that I don’t understand, cos I do

I know where I see red, you see blue. 

I know that I cannot trust my own thoughts

And I know it’s not normal to panic with such intensity, to feel quite so lost. 

I know you see me and just want me to push harder 

Eat more, rest more, it can’t be much harder 

Than living in this purgatory

Stuck in this hell

This is where I lose my strength in trying to explain how I’m caught under this spell. 

I know it’s not rational, not reasonable, not right

But that doesn’t stop it keeping me up at night

It doesn’t stop the thoughts and the voices in my head

It doesn’t stop the panic, the fear and dread. 

One of the hardest parts of the illness

Is explaining why it is so hard

Because i know and understand these two sides of my mind

And Even I am at a loss as to the strength it still holds me under, spellbound. 

There’s a war in my mind and 

I’m trying to navigate a path

That feels it is heading in the right direction 

Without causing too much distress and alarm. 

I know you look at me with an ache and a wanting

I know your urge to scream at me is rife

I know that you are frustrated and disappointed 

Trust me, I can match that. I’m so tired of this life. 

Navigating a path out of this dark tunnel is going to be hard

There will be moments of joy and glimmers of hope 

And there will be hardship and agony and pain alongside 

The trick will be finding a way to keep going

Keep moving, keep fighting, knowing the suffering with subside 

And one day, hopefully fairly soon

We will look back on this time and say

It was a battle, that’s for sure

But we made it, and recovery is here to stay.

Backed into a corner

 Backed into a corner

no place to go

noting feels right anymore 

I'm caught in the to and the fro.

The argument in my head is deafeningly loud

the voice of anorexia feels like a pressure in my throat

a paralysis in my body to do the simplest thing

rational and logic feel like far away dreams

all I can do is find small specks of hope and cling. 

I don't know when food became so terrifying

the idea of nutrition scaring me more than the reality of anorexia

I don't know when the line was crossed past the point of no return 

I don't know how to stop the fire that anorexia burns. 

Sickness is so easy to hide

 Sickness is so easy to hide

With make up and layered clothing

And styling your hair down low

To hide the clumps that are falling

Pink lipstick to conceal

The purple tinge to your face

And a splash of bronzer to cover up 

Your skin looking so grey. 

Three pairs of leggings and

A smile to smooth the lines

No one will see behind

The masterpiece, the disguise. 

It’s easy to fool others

To put on a show

Keeping yourself busy, 

Too busy for anyone to know 

But each night I collapse into bed

Exhausted from the anxiety of the day 

Of what I did and didn’t do

Wondering how life fell into such disarray. 

I don’t want to pretend anymore 

But I don’t want people to see 

I am so tired of this existence 

I am so far from me, from fi. 

I'm angry

 I feel so angry right now

Because you’re playing me like a puppet

You say, I do 

There is no second word about it. 

I want to list all the things that I want to be doing 

Sitting, reading, resting

But that feels like a far away dream right now

All I can think about and process is your hating. 

Your vile words that torture me day in day out

Your controlling methods and cooesice nature 

Your demands and rituals that never stop, never ease or calm down. 

I am so sick of your shit and the things that you throw at me

I want to be at uni and walking my puppy in the mornings. 

I want to be having coffee with my friends and 

I want to be able to rest. 

I want to go on nights out and have fun

I want to sing in the shower and relax having a run. 

I want to be free from your control and your viciousness 

I want to be free but you won’t let me go 

And I’m sick of your words and your damn excuses 

I’m sick of being sick and I’m tired of feeling so useless.